When I write in English, I feel the good distance between me and my words, which I cannot really have with Japanese. English is not my native language and sometimes that feels more comfortable than my “native language” that I was born into, been living in, for that I am too close to.
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A note from S. It's a fiction.
Sometimes, everything feels too much. Sometimes, it feels my heart just cannot take it. Too much emotion that rains over my whole body that I feel I’m becoming one big emotion itself.
I want to understand you, I say.
I want to understand you, you say.
But it’s so difficult. Am I not trying hard enough ? I want to disappear into your body so I can feel exactly how you are feeling. I know that’s impossible. I don’t care if it sounds toxic. I can only live as me and so are you. But can I just wish for a second that I wanna share being you with you ?? That I wanna live as you for a moment, not as me. To just wish that I wanna feel exactly how you feel, I wanna experience this world exactly as you do, that I wanna be you. For a moment.
Some might say “for that we have words”. But in fact words feels useless with this strong desire. When you say you are sad, that doesn’t describe not even 1 % of what you are actually feeling. I know that. Because when I say I’m sad, I feel that doesn’t even describe 1% of what I’m feeling. Saying “sad” when “sad” even feels like a lie. I’m not “sad”, I’m in the state of “my body feels being dissolved into molecules from this overwhelming feeling that I can only describe as sadness” ; no, that still sounds like not enough of this crazily gigantic thing of an emotion that I’m in. I think of screaming, so you would feel me. I want you to scream at me, so I can see the raw of you. But you don’t scream at me, because you see no point of doing that. And that makes me bitter somehow. I don’t scream either. Because I know screaming won’t transmit anything that’s inside of me anyway. I resign. In the end, we are alike. We know that there is a limit, limit that comes from the fact that we are two individuals that has “each” body, “each” mind, “each” heart, and that “each” can not totally be “the one”.
I know on one hand that’s the beauty of it. Because we cannot be “a one”, we try to understand other while respecting their boundary. But right now, that idea only feels like a fucking torture.
I still think of myself as free and independent. I cherish that. Feeling free is one of the most important thing in my life for me. But can’t wanting to be in someone else be a form of freedom ? Is being independent more valuable than this strong desire to more than “belong” to other human being ? I used to roll my eyes when someone says “I can’t live without him/her”, but how extraordinary it is to "feel" that one significant person holds one's life, at least a part of a life.
Because I am free - who would it be to judge me if I use my freedom to be less free ?
