Ask

 ( From the architecture class assignment.... messy) 

Ask.fm やったときにもらった質問のいくつかと、そこに書いたものの一部をここにも記録しておきたい。

How do you want yourself to be ?

If, only using adjective

: compassionate, sincere, kind, truthful ( both to the feeling and to the matter) , imaginative, passionate, positive, joyful, and authentic.

The original one I wrote here ↓ is more like how I want to live but I hope u don’t mind.

I’d say : I want to be both sincere to the life AND having fun. I want to savor my life as a human being. I want to be sharing, but not forcing. & I wanna be expressing, but not be controlling. These are pretty big things.

And importantly, I want to keep NOT fearing expressing the love I have towards others.

& for sure I wanna keep loving music, films, and literature in my life as well.

Of course, there are and there will be times when things seem just suck in life. But even among those things, I want to be staying resilient about it and not entirely sunk in. I want to be someone who doesn’t forget hope even when everything seems so despair. (this thing about resilience, I learned from Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond. But I really think this kind of resilience is so F important in a life, it’s one thing I wanna keep having as a part of my heart.

小学生、中学生の時の一番の思い出は？

小学生のときについてはいろんな記憶がぼんやりとあります。通学、学習発表会、昼休みの手打ち野球、何を借りるか迷ってるうちに全時間費やした図書の時間、ツツジを吸う、コナン好きの友達に主題歌を教えてもらう、校外学習、傘を電車に忘れまくる、電車を寝過ごす、テストの前にはかならずお腹が痛くなる、テストの点が悪いと全てが終わったような気分になる、給食当番でこっそり友達に量多めに盛る、友達が先生に気に入られていると嫉妬する、掃除の時間は雑巾掛け競走、プールの時間に網目側に見えるテニスコート、クラス全員で廊下に立たされる、ランドセルの後ろを開けてふざけあう、友達との交換日記…

中学生の時は結構途中まで暗い時期でしたが、中3の時に一生の友達に出会えてからは日々が一番の思い出でした。北口カフェでの夜ご飯、次の日学校のある日のお泊り、アダルサ、文化祭準備で教室に居残る(そういえば長ほうきで野球をはじめるやつが必ずいた)、夜の長電話、体育祭でリレー応援…

あとは中1を担任してくれた先生には今でもすごく感謝しています。中1・中2のときに出会った人々で他にも忘れられない時間を過ごした人たちもいます。学校外であれば、バレエ教室とそこで出会った人たちとの思い出は今でも強く心に残っています。

基本的に全ての記憶は思い出ですが、そうとも言い切れない暗い記憶もあります。中学前半のときは基本学校が嫌いでした。そのあとも特に中学前半の思い出について振り返ることはありませんでした。でも、今こうやってみてみると、日々の中にあった数々の断片に気づくことができました。なので、この質問をしてくれてありがとうございます。

Where do you get your inspiration from ?

Friends, people I meet, movies, books, music, podcasts, pictures, the places I go (the sound & smell of the place, the texture of the air, the feels, the lights), foods, Social media (mostly Instagram and YouTube, and sometimes Twitter), the things I touch.

I get inspiration from literally anywhere. I try to take note (maybe not at that moment but as soon as I can) when my mind or my heart moves (even a little bit) in everyday life in order not to easily diminish the moment. I also do the same when I learn something new so I won’t forget. Btw, in this way not only I relish those moments but also I intentionally become more aware of what have been inspiring me.

中学生の自分、高校生の自分、いま言ってあげられるとしたら、どんなことを伝えますか？

中学生の自分

・好きな音楽と映画を愛し続けてください。

・フェミニズムを勉強してください。

・過ちを犯したら直接的でも間接的でもいいから修正しようとして、反省というよりも。

・家族と自分の間の線を完全に溶け込ませないで。家族は自分の延長線上ではないという前提を持ってください。

・あなたが従っているそのルールはなんのためのルールなのかを考え続けてください。

・疑問に思ったことを無視しないで。

・人はコントロールできないししたくない。

・「つまらない人間なんてこの世にいない」というあなたの考えは正しい。誰になんと言われようとそのことを忘れないで。

高校生の自分

・まずは本当に返信を早くしてください。

・人間の複雑性を無視しないで。

・人からどう思われるかを気にするのはいいけど、どういう人に思われることが前提なのか、どの程度まで気にするのか、を自分に問うことを忘れないで。

・ルッキズムとは何かを知ってください。

・自分の外国語のできなさに失望することあるかもしれないけど、これに関してはカメの速度に感じてもいいから着実に続けて。

まだ他にもあると思うけど、今思ったのはこれくらいです :)

How do you get over your past, like past mistakes and past trauma and the stuff.

I first remind myself that “getting over” is not the same as “forgetting”. Sometimes there are some things that are so painful I feel I even wanna forget, but I know I can’t and I don’t really want to forget, either.

Though I can’t change what happened in the past, I can change the way I carry the past as well as the kind of the role which the past will be playing in my future. Definitely, I don’t want my past, some specific time period of my life or some specific things I have done, to be something that define my whole life.

Most of the time so far, there are something I can learn from it. I have made many mistakes in the past but I can’t/I don’t wanna just dump that. I try to see it as a way to evolve. I know that there are some things that are like “I wish I could learn that without going through this ”. But It happened. That’s a fact I can’t change. So why not let that make me evolve, rather than let that ruin everything in the life ahead? In the end, the life continues.

Also if what comes from the past is the shame or regret, allow yourself to NOT use the feel of being tortured as a way to punish yourself, try to separate those “feeling” you are using to punish yourself from what you can actually “DO” from now on (whether you do something to some people directly, or to change the way you live/the way you see your life in general). Feeling guilt is ok for some points (You feel what you feel), but if you think that feeling guilt continuously is the only way that you can remember the past, that’s not the case. One thing is that, if you are not ok with you being ok, it’s impossible to be ok. I feel that sometimes, to be moving on, you have to decide that it’s ok for yourself to be ok at some point, so you can work on WHAT to do for it, HOW to do it.

——

Some things, the things that happened to you that is just so unbelievable... The kind of things you don’t know what shit you can make out of that event/time...... Please try to stay resilient and don’t let those event/times define you & your life. I remember Cheryl Strayed talking about the difference between sorrow and hopelessness in her Dear Sugar Radio, that when you feel that it’s forever, you feel the hopelessness. Writing this also reminded me the words of Rilke, that “Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.” No feeling is truly final as long as you live, so keep going, stay resilient.

(If you feel you are stuck in the past, writing all the thoughts down is very helpful as a first step, even to know what to do. Also asking other people for help, if you feel that’s safe to do.)

*他のやつはもう使ってないけど@seaweedandglue のアカウントに残ってる。